Can self-doubt be hard-wired?

One of the things Louise Hay says repeatedly in her book You Can Heal Your Life is that "we are all victims of victims."  She espouses the common wisdom that our particular neuroses and feelings of inadequacy are the result of faulty parenting.  Further, she would explain faulty parenting to be the result of faulty parenting: a never-ending cycle.  It gets me thinking a whole lot about my kids, and what messages my own parenting is implanting on their sweet, developing brains that will hold them back as they grow.

However, one of the things I noticed almost immediately with each of my four children is that in most ways, they are who they are without much influence from me.  Although I know I make mistakes as a mother and I am certain they receive messages from me that I do not intend, I also know that they emerged from birth with levels of self -doubt and self-criticism that are independent from anything my husband or I have done.

I would love to think that if I do everything right, my children will grow up always sending themselves positive messages and building healthy, fulfilling lives for themselves.  However, my experience thus far tells me they form a lot of self-doubt and self-inhibiting messages all on their own, regardless of the efforts I make to help them see themselves positively.

I will offer art as an example because it is pretty straightforward.

I have always enjoyed art and enjoy doing art and projects with my children.  They all love to draw, and could draw all day and on every sliver of paper or anything else they find in my house.  However, in addition to different styles and abilities, they are very different when it comes to their confidence and self-esteem concerning their art.

Two of my daughters are almost hyper-critical of their work. While they love to create art, they also constantly berate themselves for not being good enough (from the age of 3 or prior!).  If their work isn't what they intended, they may throw the pencil across the room, sulk, tantrum, destroy their work, and give up.  If they can't be as good as they want now, it takes everything I have to get them to persist and see their work through without criticising themselves. This is all them: all I have ever done is praise their ability, their work, and spend time with them while they produce their art.  We hang their work all over the house and create opportunities for them to do more.

My son, however, while not necessarily the better artist, has never been self-critical.  He will sit and work happily away for hours, complete his very detailed work, and enjoy the process. I have never seen him give up because he thought he wasn't good enough.  I can guarantee that he hasn't received different messages or levels of support from me.  The difference in every way appears hard wired.

This leads me to believe that there is a certain amount of self-confidence or self-doubt that comes into the world with us. Who knows, perhaps there is a genetic component, maybe experiences within the womb are influential, our zodiac signs dictate our perspectives, or we bring unresolved issues or tasks with us from a past life. However, after witnessing the early development of four children, I know with a high level of certainty that there is a whole lot that happens independent of the parenting they receive.

While this is disappointing because I can't protect my children from sabotaging their own life paths, it also lets me off the hook a little.  I guess it is a little like religion.  I can give them the framework and tools now.  They may listen for a while and try to use the tools I give them.  Then, they will more then likely go through a process of knowing better themselves than all the things they have been taught and will reject much that they have learned.  Then, perhaps, at some point in their future, they will start to search and seek understanding and personal development.  With the work I do now, maybe it will be easier for them to find answers and more natural for them to use the tools that can help them "heal their lives."